January

Despite all that has happened so far this month, I just want to remember how I have also experienced feelings of gratitude beyond my means. To my friends, some of whom may or may not know every detail of my present life that is slowly picking at my sanity -

Thank you for being such beautiful people. I'm thankful that whatever I am that has attracted all these unfortunate outcomes; challenging people; stubbornly unchanging relationship dynamics, that I have also managed to attract and keep you, somehow.

Even more, now that you have all seen me in the ugliest and most vulnerable light that I can imagine.

That all of you have probably, at some point, scolded the hell out of me because you're annoyed, you're concerned, you're worried, you just feel like kicking my ass etc. because of what I've put myself through. This brings me more happiness than you can ever imagine, because now, I feel less of a persistent need to keep up with the persona that I have when I'm outside. The image of a more-or-less happy girl, free of troubles, here just to listen to and meet your needs. Someone who has hopefully paved the way for you to share even the slightest of uncertainties; someone who reassures you that you're a beautiful and loved person despite.

I'm thankful that you guys have seen me when I feel less than human, and still stuck with me. That you guys offer your ears, your hands, your help, your time, anything at your disposal. That you would willingly fight for me, if need be.

Thank you for seeing me as I am, and loving me. We're lucky to even have one of such persons at any point in our lives, and I'm glad I have a few of you to count on as I'm going down this grass patch.

I will remember this.

So please be assured that, when I'm back on my feet and capable of owning the persona I've wanted to portray - that I'm capable of being more than that persona - I will be here for you. I will be a better friend to you. I will take care of myself because you have shown me that I'm worth all that trouble.

But until then, I will need time.



I've made it a thing to start maintaining relationships that matter. Healthy relationships.
I don't think my heart can take any more surprises and/or disappointments now.