I wish I knew my limits.

yet another brewing issue has surfaced, and i realise more and more that the situation with my other family is more complicated than i thought. one thing, though, i suppose that's where i inherited all my temper and vengeful tendencies from.

wasn't expecting a perfect picture, but something less harsh than this. 

and when this is clearly a situation that's meant to be dealt with by the adults, you can't help but think - now that you're considerably 'adult' yourself - whether you're supposed to lend a hand in all of this, somehow.

yes to 'money is the devil' and all of that. just irks me that we're supposed to just deal with this and watch your parents worry. feel guilty for having a night out with your friends or spending a little more to make yourself feel good or attractive or validated. then feel bad that you're letting society and status and glamour run your decisions. feel bad that your savings are meant for a graduation trip, for your university funds, for family uses. feel bad that you have no savings at all and sometimes rely on your parents for allowances. feel bad that you're the only sibling concerned about this matter at all and attempts to engage the other remain futile.

feel bad that despite all of this awareness, the stress to stay socially active can't be shrugged off. that you still need said social support and activities to shrug off memories and scars. that you still need to look good, to feel good, to be out there so that you stay networkable and employable. so that you can maximize your chances of getting higher revenue. 

those aside - so what do you spend your money on?

do i save it for my masters education, my graduation trip, for that emergency plane ticket to my friend's place, for visiting my grandparents, for gifts, for social events, on products, bills, apparel? do i continue giving my parents just that small share of my part-time pay, do i offer to give more to support my grandparents overseas? do i pay for her medical care or do i simply fly over and offer my company? is it even my place to do such a thing, given that i haven't branched fully into independent life yet?

or should i be saving up to get my brother out of his mess? to make sure that i also get looked into - medically? should i be thinking that i'm being overly selfish and difficult since i'm doing all of this to get out of a voluntary struggle? to recover from something self-inflicted?

am i being that irresponsible or am i just overthinking everything?

and if i am, then perhaps i should be spending my time working my way out of school with the best grades and yet my body screams for me to rest. not to overexcite. that i need to take things easy now since 2 weeks ago was practically hell. 

but all these thoughts - all these things bubbling in my mind. just fucking driving me up the wall in my neurotic ways.

busy trying to cross to-do lists and i find myself adding more onto the list. 

p.s. speaking of which, the day i tear my room apart to do some overdue redecorating - i'm already fantasizing of that hugeass corkboard i'm going to place next to my bed, taking over my old puzzle frame. i'm dying to place sticky notes and photos and thumbtacks and old crepe paper flowers and crafts and 'i miss you'/'happy birthday' cards.